The 16 Bit Study: Mario Mario
The 16-Bit Study: Mario Mario Part 1
DISCLAMER: They’re just jokes, I ‘m hoping major gaming companies and fanboys can handle them. Thank you.
Mario Mario. Yes, that IS his real name.
Some look to Mario as an icon in the gaming industry.
A legend.
A stalwart since the dawning of the modern arcade cabinet; to the systems we enjoy today.
He has outlasted, persevered, and clawed to keep his status as the beacon that the gaming world looks to.
And he did all this because he’s an insecure, sociopathic, middle-aged basket case. Afraid of being irrelevant, Mario has cut countless corners and stepped on various individuals all in the name of adoration from a rabid gaming community and at times, for the royal nookie provided by the princess(es) (Peach AND Daisy…playa PLAYA!! More on this later.)
This manifesto is a case study into WHY Mario is not as cleancut as his corporate handlers (I’m looking at YOU Nintendo) would lead you to believe. The truth MUST be told, and thus begins the 16-Bit Study of Mario Mario.
PART 1 – Mario: Master of the Mid-Life Crisis
“Midlife crisis is a term used in Western societies to describe a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the “middle years” of life, as a result of sensing the passing of youth and the imminence of old age.”
Thank you Wikipedia.
I digress.
Father time has been knocking at Mario’s door before I was even born. He carved a respectable, often-envied niche as the premier side-scroller of not just his generation, but the 16 bit generation that would soon follow. While taking an aside to battle giant gorilla’s [again, with promises of nookie to be fulfilled]; you would think Mario would have amassed enough of a fortune for himself to retire 3 times over and allow new blood to step into the spotlight [Q* Bert coulda been a contender..."].
Unfortunately, the combination of Nintendo’s inability to press on without their corporate face and Mario’s need for worldwide acceptance fueled the most drawn out run of any game character ever seen. The word I’m looking for is “over-saturation”, of the market that is. Mario saw himself as ageless; and it would become his master plan to stay that way through a series of power plays.
As you know, there are actors that rap. Rappers that produce. Producers that write. You get the picture.
Mario decided side scrolling just wasn’t enough, demanding that Nintendo drop an unsubstantiated sum of money for his various “ventures” outside of his day job. Miyamato was outraged by Mario’s attempt to hold him up, a harkening cry to every Italian thug stereotype you could think of, denying the sum without any further thought. Of course, the master manipulator upped the ante….threatening to leave Nintendo and send them back to the days when their games weren’t quite as legendary. Perhaps you might remember a little game called…
If I were Miyamato after that reminder, I would have sold my soul to keep the cunning plumber as well. And piped them Mario did, as Nintendo paid for the outrageous ventures of one Mario Maro; caving into demands such as….
Experimental Gravity Research
Medical School (Did he EVER flash a degree? And look at those eyes…never get high on your own supply, indeed.)
A RACING LEAGUE?!
A TENNIS TOUR?!
Even cover ups for his various unclaimed kids! (Time travel my ass. Mario, you ARE the father!)
The list goes on and on. The only thing that exceeded the size of his ego was the thickness of his moustache, that evil evil moustache.
To Mario, passing the torch was something he refused to do. There was no room for the Sonic’s, Earthworm Jim’s, Gex’s, and other talented mascots looking to usher in a new wave for the virtual consoles to come. Mario cornered the market on EVERYTHING? How could they?
Dr. Gex?
Spyro Kart Racing?
Q*BERT GALAXY?! Hey…that woulda been pretty sweet…
And have we not thought about the effects his megalomania caused on not just the gaming world at large, but those closest to him?
That is a study, for another day.
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